One from the Archive: Rationale

 I wrote this post while in Nîmes, France around a third of the way through my trip last year, around April. I haven't edited it at all so it's a little snapshot into where I was at the best part of nine months ago. While I was back home recenetly some of you asked for more blog posts. I am in the process of writing another one, but here's a little one to keep ya going for now. Apologies for waffling nature of it, but hope you enjoy.

I'm breaking the trend a little bit here and not really following a narrative structure in recounting my days as I have done previously. Approaching the end of my third consecutive day with minimal conversation with anyone, internalised self-reflection has preoccupied me, and you all are the lucky beneficiaries of these thoughts. My recounts from the past few days will arrive in a different post. This is a bit of a different one. If you didn't know me that well before, well strap in is all I can say. 

My hope and belief is that no one knows what they're doing. I say hope because I certainly don't know what the fuck I'm doing. This is in a general life and philosophical sense; I am able to comprehend what I am doing in any given moment on a smaller scale. I think. Through the multiple interesting people I've acquainted with from various parts of the world on this adventure of mine, a question I get asked frequently is: "what made you choose to do this?" And by this (italic), we obviously mean quitting your stable, easy career path, relatively high-paying, cushy, corporate job; leaving your wonderfully loving friends and family; and your objectively safe globally-considered-paradise of a homeland which you've never not lived in before, for in essence being a homeless, unemployed backpacker on quite literally the other side of the world. I often reply to clarify if they want the short story or the long story. More often than not, they ask for the long story, but to save these poor souls from too much waffle, it is a somewhat abridged version. I suppose for my own benefit, as well maybe some of yours, here's what I consider to be the unabridged version. Tying into a theme present throughout this post/rambling/word vomit, you have free will and can stop reading at any time. God speed. 

Reason #1 - Career 

For just under two years I sat at a desk staring at a series of flashing lights on a screen for roughly 25% of my time on this green Earth. During this time, I helped McDonald's purchase at least five new properties in New Zealand, directly furthering New Zealand's obesity epidemic, and helping shift more wealth into the hands of not only obscenely wealthy people who are actively and recklessly ruining the health of the aforementioned green Earth, but also into the pocket of a company that supports a genocide in Gaza. While this work slowly eroded my perspective that I was a "good" person, in fairness, I did also help Watercare, Auckland's water infrastructure provider, do all the land and property law-y things it needs to help my city function. Then there was the work to help New Zealand build more motorways, which was a bit of a mixed bag. I'm all for helping the country's infrastructure get built, but do we really need more fucking motorways for more fucking cars? See early green Earth statement. 

After years of school, then university, where I wasn't really enjoying what I was doing but knew that I needed to finish to move onto the next thing, starting my "real" job, I felt in the same position. Ok, this kinda sucks, but I've just got to get through to get to the next thing. Wait. What is the next thing? Retirement when I'm 65 in like 40 years? Shit. Maybe this is different. It dawned on me that I have free will and I can choose what I want to do in my life. There was no next thing. There was no right thing to do. I was old enough and ugly enough to make my own choices now. A scary concept I still struggle with at times. Maybe that's what being in your twenties is all about. But again, to reiterate, I do not know what I am doing. So, in what could have been one sentence, but we had to dig deeper, I didn't like my job. 

Reason #2 - The World 

New Zealand is a small country. New Zealand is an isolated country. New Zealand is a young country. For most of my life I would say I have been cognisant of these three concepts and therefore, for most of my life, my eyes have been looking outward. The desire to see, taste, experience the vast expanses of the world that lie beyond Aotearoa has sat bubbling away in my consciousness. This desire, this thirst has been partially quenched before with trips to places such as Vietnam, the US, Japan and France to name a few, but fully alleviating this has never been achieved. Through my partial epiphany about work and free will and all that waffle above, my mind turned what I would I do if I could choose anything. I chose to attempt to quench the thirst. 

My favourite subject at school was Classics. This was the study of Greek and Roman history, art and architecture. Other schools in Auckland had Classics trips to Europe as part of the curriculum. I wasn't so fortunate. I didn't study Classics at university. However, it occurred to me that I can conduct my own Classics school trip, and self-guided study of all things Roman, Greek and generally historical in Europe. While I regretted not studying Classics or History at university, I concluded that I can skip the $20,000 and piece of paper (and actual teaching and researching, granted), and do it myself. My love for architecture has also grown over my time since school, and observing, analysing and appreciating buildings is a favourite past time. Where better on Earth to see lovely buildings than that peninsula sticking out of the Asian continent: Europe. 

We take for granted the way things are in New Zealand, which can be a great thing as many things are wonderful. However, I have noticed this breeds apathy. One such thing we take for granted in New Zealand that to put simply, really pisses me off, is our car dependency. In New Zealand it is everyone's God-given-fucking-right to own a car and take that car wherever they want, whenever they want, with central and local government laying down the red carpet for them in the form of constant policy that priorities cars. Now, there is a slow shift in mindset, but New Zealand still has the second highest car ownership rate per capita in the world. Seeing how other countries plan their cities and countries, especially their transportation, is an incredibly valuable insight I wish to attain. I want to understand how well-planned, healthy cities function and bring that knowledge to New Zealand, and especially Auckland, so my people, my whenua, can live in places where community thrives with green spaces; high-functioning, clean, public transportation; not wasting time, energy, money, and carbon emissions stuck in cars. Oh also, I really like trains, and so intercity, intercountry train travel, which virtually does not exist in New Zealand, is foreign, exciting, and interesting to this little flightless bird. Watching a country's geographical and topographical features change through a window, while also efficiently (in both time and carbon emissions) travelling between places is an activity that brings me a lot of joy. 

Anyone that has known me, especially during my teenage years, knows that I am obsessed with that silly game where 22 people run around on a pitch and try and kick a ball between two posts. I shudder to think about the amount of time and energy I have expended throughout my life on this game, but regardless, I love it. And anyone that knows a shred about football, knows that in Europe it's a different level. The opportunity to experience not only the high-quality football, but also the atmosphere and culture surrounding this beautiful game, is something I've dreamt about since I was just a kid. This expedition has presented me with a chance to fulfil this dream. 

Reason #3 - Emotional Distress 

The two worst days of my life were actually one after the other. They were in July 2023 and I feel like a completely different person in a lot ways to that period of my life. I lost sight of who I am during that time. Anyone who was around me during this challenging, depressing, for lack of better words, fucking difficult, chapter, would have agreed. It was my first "real" relationship and I did not really know what I was supposed to do. Compromise was always something that I understood was important within a relationship. It's about give and take, things can't always be perfect, and if you love someone, you have to make sacrifices. Unfortunately, I was dealt a bit of a shit hand with this relationship. The issues that my partner had were no fault of her own, and it was just bad luck that I was dragged into it. Well, in some ways. I could have exited earlier, but you live and you learn. During this period of my life, I gave so much of myself and I felt like I would never have the opportunity to just be me and live my life solely for myself. So yeah, as much I have certainly moved on from this relationship, there was still a hangover from these distressing times which caused me to take this big leap of faith and venture out into the unknown on my own. 

Reason #4 - Privilege 

I feel like an elephant in the room with this post, is how I have managed to do this, when life is expensive, no matter where you live. My parents not only provided me with the brain full of all these thoughts causing me to travel, but also with a roof over my head for a year and half where I was able to save a lot of money. I am eternally grateful to them, and also completely acknowledge my position is unique and extremely privileged. I hope that this knowledge and perspective I gain on my travels can be used to help others and provide some positive impact on the world, as ultimately, I would feel unfulfilled if I am never able to do that in my life. 

I've been writing this for far too long now, and I feel like I've had a full conversation with someone. So if you've made it to here, thank you. I appreciate you engaging in this one-sided conversation with me and maybe learning a bit more about me. I do feel slightly weird sharing this with you all, but I'm trying to be more open and connected with my thoughts and feelings, as I believe that is what makes you a well-rounded, empathetic person who can support others and create a positive impact. Chur.